Morality Versus Politics
I’d give anything to take this back.
I keep replaying it in my mind. What if my family had never moved back to the Peninsula? What if I’d done the application for one of the choice schools earlier and Celeste had never gone to Tyler (now known as Mary Peake)? What if Celeste and her rapist were never in the same class? What if I spent more time in the classroom? What if I’d asked more questions? What if I’d done SOMETHING that would have changed the outcomes of my family and made it so Celeste’s fate was never what it is? I wrangle these “what if’s” over and over in my mind, feeling guilty and regretful that something could have been done to balance the universe another way so my daughter would have never been assaulted and we could just be another Hampton City Schools family with no animosities and under the rose haze of ignorance and a shaded view.
I know this is not my fault. I know there is nothing I could have done other than what I did. I remained a consistent presence at Celeste’s school and STILL, this happened. Her teachers knew me by name and STILL, this happened. I could homeschool all of my children and hover over them with indignation but still couldn’t protect them from SOMETHING happening to them. I couldn’t protect them from adversity happening at SOME point in their lives. I continue to go back and forth contemplating is there anything I could have done to tip the scales our way and protect all three of my kids from situations that don’t even approach a percentage of what we are dealing with. I’m not omniscient. I could not look into the future and see my baby being repeatedly sexually assaulted and maneuver in a different way to protect her from harm. That fact alone is what I beat myself up over — that there is NOTHING I could have done to change her circumstances. It’s the most helpless feeling in the world to know that you could not shield your child. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.
At this point, I have to tap into the things that God DID give me. He gave me a voice. He gave me the will to fight. He gave me tempered patience. He gave me discernment. Those gifts combined have been what has kept me out of jail. I’m not going to act like my first emotion when I found out that Celeste had been repeatedly raped in her elementary school bathroom was to burn it ALL DOWN. But I know better. These situations are better dealt with tempered hands. More can be accomplished with conversation versus illegalities. I am in no way perfect. There have been moments where I have wanted to react in a reckless way. I have gotten frustrated. I have gotten angry. I have experienced vexation beyond anything that I ever thought I would feel, but again, I realize that I can’t scream my way into a solution. At the end of the day, this campaign is about the people in positions of power having a conscience. It’s about the seven people on the school board considering Celeste the ways that they would consider her if it had happened to their children. Before this, I believed that somewhere deep inside, people have something inside that is inherently good, regardless of what they most often display. I don’t believe that anymore,…and that hurts me to my core.
Last Tuesday, I had to listen to Dr. Richard Mason, Vice-Chair of the Hampton School Board, state in OPEN COURT that me saying the words “Dr. Mason, trauma is longitudinal” in public was the equivalent to COLUMBINE. Yes, you read that correctly. COLUMBINE. This man made a choice to become an elected official, yet when he is approached and called to task by a constituent, he compares it to COLUMBINE. On the surface, he would seem like a stand-up person. A therapist. A deacon and the right hand to Rev. Kevin Swann at Ivy Baptist Church. A member of the school board. With all of these things, you’d think that he would fight for our children. But again, looks can be deceiving. This man perjured himself on an affidavit that he used to obtain a preliminary protective order. He made assumptions about my mental health without EVER seeing me as his patient. He weaponized the court system in order to keep me out of spaces where I could amplify Celeste’s voice and make a legislative change on the behalf of ALL of the children of the Commonwealth. I spent two hours sitting through being degraded by Dr. Mason and Ann Steven Cherry, the chair of the school board. Yes, I called Ann Stevens Cherry a “fucking bitch” at a school board meeting. But again, ask me why? Ask me why my frustration boiled over. Ask Ann Stevens Cherry why she has delayed doing the right thing by my daughter when she was made aware of this situation THE DAY that I found out about it. There are so many layers to the way that I have been betrayed by the Hampton School Board and members of my community. There are so many people that I had respect for that have chosen politics over morals. With the thousands of hours I have committed to helping my community, I thought that the same people that I have supported getting into public office would at least advocate on my behalf. I’d think that the organizations who should have been the loudest voices asking for accountability on Celeste’s behalf would be there for every child, especially mine. They know me. They’ve asked me for help. They’ve asked for my time. They’ve asked me over and over again to amplify THEIR causes and cases and I’ve done it. But here I am — girded with a motivation that any parent would have if this happened to their child. I’m extending my reach slowly, but surely. I’m doing all that I can — all that I would do for ANY CHILD subjected to circumstances like what my Celeste was subjected to. But when morals should be at the forefront, the people who should be on my side are silent or deliberately harmful. That is something I will never get. I’ll never understand it.
Celeste had a rough weekend. She had a flashback Friday night that stretched out into Sunday. She cried. She yelled. She panicked. And there was nothing I could do but hold my baby and try to tell her that it would be alright. She went to school this morning. Every day, as the trek to Norfolk guts my gas tank, I tell her “Have a good day, baby!” and she smiles as she’s giving one of the administrators at her school a hug and skips into class. Moving Celeste to private education has been the best possible outcome for her. She’s not scared and I’m not either. Right now, her lowest grade is a low B. She’s getting her joy back…except for those moments when she’s not. She has flashbacks and panic attacks at the most random of times. Again, that’s a reality for her. As Dr. Mason stated “there are some things that we experience as adults that we experienced in our childhood that created those things — we refer to those things as adverse childhood experiences. We don’t realize that those things can cause hypertension, diabetes, and strokes and all of those things in our lives….” And he’s right. Her traumas bubble up at the most random of times and all that can be done is to comfort her in the best way possible. I was terrorized as a student in Hampton City Schools. I’m close to a quarter of a decade removed from it and it still affects me. I can look at things now and understand the root cause and also understand that when I was in school, it was a different time and a MUCH different response. In therapy, I process my own traumas alongside those of Celeste’s, attempting to find the best ways to support her and the best ways to channel my anger and frustration. Considering things, I think I’m doing amazingly well. In this circumstance, however, I am not the center of importance — Celeste is. The children of the Commonwealth are. I won’t stop until all of our children are protected. That is my commitment. That is my vow — to affect REAL CHANGE to rape culture in public schools in our country.
The road is long and rough, but I’m committed. I realize that even though I might not see it, I was prepared to be this standard-bearer long before the assignment came to me. I don’t need to take things to levels of illegality because I stand on the truth. As Dr. Mason probably realized on Tuesday, his fancy titles and his attorney could not combat a woman, standing on the truth and a passion to do what’s right. He expected to succeed. The judge did not agree. At that point, he had to sit with egg on his face, and I had to make a decision on what path forward needed to be taken.
As I said, I’d give anything to take this back,…but I can’t. Because of that, the fight continues and I won't stop. I can’t stop.
